Reluctant as many of us may be to admit it, we parents have all got dirty little secrets. We suddenly ‘forget’ to share our own hidden truths and coping mechanisms with our even closest friends. After interviewing hundreds of parents across the country we found it took about 22 minutes for parents to really open up and get to the truths. And it wasn’t until the end of our anonymous phone calls that we heard their own personal ‘dirty little secrets.’ But after confessing to us, most parents felt instant relief. What we didn’t realize at first, but slowly uncovered, is that these dirty little secrets represent the issues we all have in parenthood. Whether it’s guilt (“I lie to my mother-in-law so it looks like I spend more time with my kids then I do”), judgment (“Sometimes I think my nanny does a better job than I do”) or just plain survival (“When I am at Safeway I buy a Nordstrom Gift card and charge it as groceries”), our issues as parents are universal. Sharing your dirty little secrets with friends can offer a bit of relief and also take pressure off all those parents who feel like they are alone.

What’s YOUR dirty little secret?

Finding the right support system can be the difference between feeling alone and feeling like things will all be okay. If you are surrounded by people who aren’t talking openly and honestly about the realities of parenthood, you will feel like you are failing, and not doing a good enough job. It’s time to turn it around and get the support you need.

Here are two tips to help:

• Search out or start a moms group that doesn’t just talk about the latest fad, but about things that are true and honest. Issues like bedwetting are more common than you think. Creating a safe place for people to talk will help everyone feel less alone.
• Most of us don’t ask for help – we feel like we should be able to do it all ourselves, and we feel guilty if we don’t. But creating a support system means finding people to be supportive! Block out time for yourself on a calendar and make sure not to cancel. Swap childcare with your neighbor or ask your husband, mother-in-law or girlfriend to help out. By asking for a little help you can re-energize yourself with a little down time and in the end have more patience and happiness to give back to your family.

Walking this fine line can be quite a balancing act for many parents! We want our kids to be happy, and we also want them to like us (not just love us)! As parents, we want to be the ones who say yes to things and not feel guilty for constantly having to say no to things kids want to do or have. As one wise mom told us "know that you will be responsible for some of your kid’s tears." The boundaries we set for our children offer them a sense of security, healthy limits and also let them know we care. Realizing that you are going to have consequences for being a proactive parent can be a challenge, but remember that your job as a parent is to guide them to be independent people who can make good choices in their future. They will make plenty of other friends along the way!

We’ve all managed to live in the moment at some point or another. Enjoying the nice chat on the way home from school, the lovely snuggle in our bed on a Sunday morning, or staring at the sky on a starry night. But we know these moments are a rarity, and most of us wish they were happening a bit more often. This is definitely one of the biggest challenges for so many parents (us included!). In fact, we have never heard anyone say this is not a constant struggle. It’s easy to push the kids out the door to school, or tell Cindy ‘not right now’ while we reorganize our closet. We’re all moving at such lightning speed and constantly multitasking. But creating little moments can add up to a great day or week, not only for our kids but for us too! One mom told us that when she comes in the door after work she now focuses 15 minutes without distraction on just the kids – it’s changed the outcome of their whole night. Just listening and being present can bring such joy to all, and goes such a long way. Learning to live in the moment is all about readjusting your expectations. Slowing down and crossing some things off your ‘to do’ list could allow a bit more time to take a moment to enjoy!

It may sound like such an easy word to say, but it actually seems to be one of the hardest for parents! Part of the problem with saying ‘NO’ comes from the ‘you-can-do-it-all’ mentality. If we think we should be able to do it all, how can we possible say NO? Whether it’s saying yes to the church committee, or yes to making the Halloween costumes, or yes to hosting your book club (yet again) – we feel by saying NO we are failing in some way. We think we should be able to handle everything on our plate at all times. We feel by saying NO we are letting people down. Shouldn’t I have time to read in my son’s class? Have my in-laws over for dinner? Make it to my neighbor’s baby shower?

But embracing the word NO can be empowering. Remember that you can’t be everything to everybody. Saying yes to everything means being overbooked and overstressed. Try not to think of it as saying ‘NO’ – instead, you’ll be able to say ‘Yes’ to the things that are important to you right now. That could mean having more time to spend with your kids, or your spouse (or maybe even opening up an hour for yourself!). Remember the stage you are in is not forever. Our priorities and time are constantly evolving, so don’t be too hard on yourself when you say it. Say it with conviction and stick to it – no excuses necessary! Now go say ‘Yes’ to taking that yoga class and ‘Yes’ to that romantic date night with your spouse!

It’s that time again – back to school! This time of year can be exciting – a fresh start, a new routine, new friends. But, it can also bring on stress and anxiety for both parents and kids. Here are a few tips to beat the back to school stress and enjoy a brand new year:

• Set a positive tone. Our kids tend to follow our lead in terms of the mood we set. If we have a lot of anxiety over something, they pick up on it and take it on. On the other hand, if they see that we can embrace change and a new year with an open mind, then they can more easily go with the flow.
• Set some goals. If we open up the lines of communication early on with our kids about the new school year and talk about the fears, anxieties and hopes they have for the year, it can go a long way in helping them set some goals for what they want to achieve. Maybe learning Spanish is important, or getting on the soccer team, or just passing Math. Whatever the case, kicking off the school new year with a good dialogue can be beneficial.
• Set your own routine. Figuring out the family schedule is a huge stress for many parents. How many outside activities should your child be in? When should homework be done? How many play dates should you permit? Try not to look over your shoulder and follow another parent’s lead. Only you know what’s right for your family.

Ok, so you stayed up late baking 100 cupcakes for the big school auction, you’re pet-sitting your neighbor’s Maltese puppy, your in-laws are about to arrive for a 10-day visit, your refrigerator just gave out for the third time this month and you STILL have yet to shower. If this sounds remotely familiar – or worse yet – ‘normal’ – then stop right now, take a deep breath and realize that you need a break! Maybe you’re not quite this overwhelmed and the last bout of science homework just put you over the edge. Whatever the case, it’s really easy for moms to put ourselves completely LAST on our priority lists. The thing is, if we don’t take care of ourselves, how can we possibly have the energy to do all that we do on a daily basis? Most of the time it takes a complete breakdown before we force ourselves to take an hour to read a book, or go work out, or have lunch with a friend.

We could all use a little preventative medicine and carve out an hour (or two!) a week on the family calendar to make sure everyone knows it’s ‘my time.’ You don’t need to have a plan, but conditioning yourself and your family to understand and respect that you need your own time, just like they do, is healthy and positive for everyone.

Why is it that, once you have kids, you feel guilty all the time over everything you’ve done, haven’t done, or could’ve done better? It’s a little crazy that a day without guilt is a rarity. We’ve talked with each other so much about the things that make us feel guilty – taking ‘me’ time, going on a (much needed) date night, letting the kids watch a video so we can get some work done and the list goes on. We even take on our kids’ actions and make it a measure of how good a parent we are! For example, if our child is wetting the bed, it must be because we’re doing something wrong – or not parenting well. Wrong! Guilt really comes from the overblown expectations we have as parents today. When we don’t live up to those expectations, we feel guilty. But most of the time, the image we’ve created isn’t at all realistic, so that’s the first thing we all have to realize.

The only way to shake the guilt is to know that we’re doing the best job we can, stop questioning ourselves and feel more confident in our choices. Just knowing that we all feel guilty for things big and small can help. What things do all of you feel guilty for?

One thing we both struggled with (and still do!) is how the reality of parenthood isn’t quite the image we had in our heads before having kids. What constitutes a ‘good mom’? Am I a ‘bad mom’ if I lose my temper and scream at the top of my lungs?

A lot of us grew up thinking we could and should ‘do it all,’ and we tend to strive toward that. The bar we’ve set for what it means to be good parents has grown to an almost impossibly high level and that makes it extremely difficult to feel like we’re doing a good job.

We’ve heard all kinds of things – “I thought we’d have more free time as a family, to sit and play Monopoly,” or “I thought the skills I had in my career would transfer a little more easily to parenthood, and I was so wrong!” When the reality of having kids doesn’t match what we pictured, we can feel like failures. But parents today need to give themselves a break! We tend to be very tough on ourselves, and with the plethora of information and choices available to us, it makes it more complicated and confusing than ever to know if we’re on the right path – from nutrition, to schooling, to extracurricular activities, to homework. It’s taken awhile, but both of us have tried really hard to find a path that works for our individual families.

The bottom line is to re-jigger the image we had in our heads (or lose it altogether!) of what we thought parenthood would be like, wrap our arms around the reality, and work from there. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, it’s normal to feel like dinner’s going to put you over the edge, and it’s ok to want some ‘me’ time, too. Sorting through and prioritizing the expectations we put on ourselves can go a long way in preserving our sanity!

Hi there! We’re Amy Nobile and Trisha Ashworth, co-authors of “I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids” and “Dirty Little Secrets From Otherwise Perfect Moms.” We have been friends for 14 years, and when we had kids around the same time, we bonded over the challenges of modern parenthood. (We do admit to making more than a few late night phone calls to each other, laughing or crying about feeling guilty over something or confessing a ‘dirty little secret’!) After interviewing hundreds of moms and dads nationwide, we know that the expectations we have for ourselves are over the top and having a support system to make you feel less alone and more ‘normal’ is HUGE, which is why we partnered with GoodNites®. We all face so many issues as parents today – from homework battles to bedwetting to making sure our kids are eating the right foods – so it’s important to know that it’s normal to go through these things and ‘perfection’ shouldn’t be the goal. Being a good parent is all about making the choices that are right for YOU and your family. On GoodNites.com we’ve posted some tips and information for parents on a variety of subjects, including bedwetting, which is a very normal phase that many kids go through, and shouldn’t be thought of as a negative for the parent or child.
Here are a few more tips that (we hope) will help you start loving parenthood as much as you love your kids:

1. Be honest. So many of us feel like other parents have it ‘all together’ because we’re not talking openly and honestly about the challenges of parenthood. If we can start to be honest with ourselves about how we’re feeling, and then talk with other parents about what’s going on for us, we’ll all be a lot better off. An environment where you can say, “Wow, we had a terrible night…I’m exhausted and this is not so fun right now,” only breeds compassion and support – two things we all desperately need.

2. Make choices that are right for your family. When we walk around with insane expectations, we tend to make choices that are all over the map – “Oh, her daughter’s in ballet, maybe mine should be too.” If we really realign our expectations with reality, we can start to make conscious choices that are right for US and stop looking over our shoulders at what others are doing.

3. Have fun! Parenting is really hard work, and sometimes it’s easy to question what it’s all for. But in a blink of an eye, our kids will be grown with lives of their own, so it’s important to laugh and have fun – even in the midst of a stressful day. One mom we talked to said she has a 5 minute ‘dance party’ every morning – it diffuses the stress of getting ready for school and out the door and sets the mood for the day. One dad told us how he and his family come up with knock-knock jokes every night at dinner.